we had a email from a blog reader, J90, of the blog with a couple of questions about me and also our relationship.
while I gave a response to one of his questions it was suggested that I should publish the response on the blog.
so here is J’s question and my response to it,
where does your mind go when you are in your most unusual or provocative outfit, since you’ve probably gotten used to wearing lingerie most of the time?
Ok, as a kid growing up I was fascinated with women wearing stockings – Damn you Benny Hill for chasing those women in their underwear on our TV in the 70’s and early 80’s!!, this really became a fetish for me, I loved , and still do, seeing a women wearing stockings and heels. when I met Alice it was fantastic and a real joy to find that she used to wear suspenders and stockings to work and also when she went out.
These were a real turn on for me and they played a part in our vanilla sex lives. we did some adventurous things in our sex life, a bit of cross dressing and some Sub Dom play. and yes wearing stockings was a turn on for me – but always as a bit of a “dirty” turn on, by that I mean I shouldn’t be turned on by wearing them. we went to several fancy dress parties – Vicars and tarts, Rocky Horror – and in each case I would cross dress, all a bit of fun but a definite turn on, normally coming back Alice would make me keep the outfit on and then take a dominant role in the bedroom for the evening – all the signs were there for what the future would become but neither of us were looking in that direction.
My breakdown was coming over a progression of years, that’s why it wasn’t seen by either of us. when it happened I had help from some very good people and as part of that I had to go through CBT – cognitive behaviour therapy – this is talking therapy. the thing that came from it was that I felt that I had to get everything right – at work and at home, that I was responsible for ensuring Alice was happy and that my efforts were not succeeding. I was so focussed on the needs of work and on others that I was ignoring myself and I had crashed. the other thing was that Alices’ work was picking up and that she was being promoted and running a department, she was being “groomed” (a bad choice of words in today’s society) for bigger and better things in her company. so you had 2 Alphas competing in the house, one of whom was driving himself too hard and too fast, thinking that he wasn’t doing enough to please and support his wife.
so what has that to do with things. well the professional medical suggestion was for me to slow life down and to take a back seat for a while and focus on myself. I refused this last point as I explained to the guy that was my nurse during one of the CBT sessions, and Alice was present at the time, that while I accepted that I needed to cut back drastically, I wouldn’t focus on myself as Alice was my focus, I loved her and she was the one person that made me safe and secure and as such I needed to focus on her. I think this shocked Alice at the time about how much she really meant to me. The result was that I would stop doing my current job and move to a far reduced work load as a consultant. I would work from home and help and support Alice with her career development. when we got home that night myself and Alice had a good heart to heart and a good cry. she recognised what had been said that day and she would help me refocus my (and our lives), this was the foundation of our FLR marriage.
so what has this to do with lingerie wearing?
Alice wanted to make sure that I stayed true to my word and that I would stick with the consultancy work and that I wouldn’t venture back into the world of big projects and contracts. I would be required to get her ready for work and to be the perfect house husband, but I would be required to wear women’s knickers, suspenders and stockings. while she considered her clothing as empowering in her new business and management role, this included her underwear, she felt that by making me wear women’s underwear it would make me more self conscious when I was out doing some of my work and also it would be harder to be that Dominant Alpha dog when you have lacy knickers and lace top stockings on under your suit! She had a point and it worked.
Now while I have stated that I have a stocking fetish and love seeing women in lingerie stockings and heels, I’m not the only one, Alice does as well but she also gets very turned on by her husband in stockings, the other part with her is that she uses my fetish against me to get that dominance – “an Alpha male would not be wearing these things would they dear?”
Now this is the part that gets to your questions – about time you think! – Stockings turn me on, I love seeing women in stockings and my wife is incredibly powerful and dominating in her stockings and heels. The feel of wearing the stockings turn me on as does the associated underwear and heels but it still has that embarrassment factor – I shouldn’t be turned on by this, these are for sexy women, they add confidence to a woman but it takes that confidence from me, it makes me more submissive and that is the space that my mind goes to. Alice recognised this years ago, she recognised that I needed to be submissive and to be in that space with my channelled focus on serving her, and in turn improving my well being. sound odd but it’s true.
Over time things have developed and my lingerie and stocking wearing have progressed and with John coming into the relationship he understood the whole dynamic – it took a good bit of explaining and chatting to get the details over. he has worked with Alice and myself to add to the FLR and between them I’ve progressed to more regular female wear at home and at my little office in the Garden as well as developing my role in the cuckolding relationship. I haven’t gotten used to it as the whole package of fetish, embarrassment and humiliation add to my submission and that is the turn on for me.
I think I have written too much for one email, I can answer your other part question probably as a post on the blog, later when I have a bit of time to consider a suitable answer.
I hope this gives some idea of what makes me tick and how we got here.
Regards
billie/ Mick
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